Why a rainbow?

Sodit was a negative person. Not that he was unhappy, mind you, because Sodit didn’t know any better.

Every morning, Sodit would wake up to his ring-a-ling alarm clock, which always went “RING-A-LING” nine minutes too late. “Sod it!” said Sodit. “Late again.” He looked out the window. It was rainy and bleak. “Sod it!” said Sodit. “It’s rainy and bleak – it’s ALWAYS rainy and bleak.”

He then went to the fridge to get out some milk for his cornflakes, but the milk bottle was empty. “Sod it!” said Sodit. “I could have SWORN it was full last night.” He could tell it was going to be a sod of a day. In fact, every day for Sodit was one big SOD. The hot water tap always ran cold, the bread always mouldy, the newspaper always soggy – and he worked for the MetService.

The fact is, there was something important Sodit didn’t know. Sodit was a God. The God of Rain, in fact. Rain adored him and followed him wherever he went. Because Rain was incredibly loyal to Sodit, it ensured it gave itself in every little way possible.

You see, the reason Sodit’s alarm clock rang nine minutes late is that Rain had made it rusty. And of course, Rain rained outside Sodit’s window every morning in the ultimate expression of Rain’s devotion for Sodit. And Rain emptied Sodit’s milk bottles every night because Rain knew Sodit should only drink rainwater (as a self-sacrifice to the God of Rain). And on it went. But Sodit didn’t realize – for him, it was a way of life. Until one day he met Brill.

Brill was a happy person. Not that she noticed because she didn’t know any better. Every morning Brill would wake up to glorious sunlight streaming in rainbow colors throughout her room. “Oh brill!” Brill exclaimed. “What a wonderful day.” For breakfast every morning, she had a brilliant array of freshly sliced fruit sprinkled with chopped nuts and spices. She bathed in the hot springs and lay out to dry in the daisy patch, absorbing the warmth of the heat which shimmered off the rocks nearby.

During the day she would tend her plants – huge yellow daisy-like flowers that stood meters high, plus bright red tomato plants, and an orchard full of plump juicy fruit. What Brill didn’t realize is that she was a Goddess. The Goddess of Sun, in fact. Sun adored her and followed her wherever she went. It woke her softly every morning, fed her the fruits of the earth, and caressed her body with warmth and light. And on it went – for Brill, it was a way of life. Until one day she met Sodit.

It had been an unusual day for them both. They had each woken to a calm, sunless, rainless day. The world just hung there – doing nothing. For both Sodit and Brill, it was very disturbing – their daily routines were thrown into chaos. Sodit drank his milk and felt ill. Brill silently ate her fruit, but it didn’t look very colorful.

Then it all happened. There was a flash of lightning and a boom of thunder. Wind swirled and howled – the temperature went from cold to hot, to cold again, and it rained and rained like Rain had never rained before. Then out came Sun and shone furiously like it had never shone before. Steam rose off the ground in thick blankets until suddenly Rain fought back – drowning out Sun with all its might.

You see the reason for all this kerfuffle was that Rain began to realize that Sodit didn’t ever utter a word of appreciation for all Rain’s hard work and devotion. Rain began to feel unloved and plunged into deep depression.

Until Rain’s mood was so dampened that Rain decided to go for a wander, to unwind and think things over. Rain had just crossed over into the neighboring valley when it saw Brill’s little cottage surrounded with fruit trees, craggy rocks, big yellow flowers, and a quaint little pool of water which steamed away joyously. And Rain saw how Sun, so content and happy, went about making Brill content and happy too.

And Rain was jealous. Sun had it all; it wasn’t fair. After sulking around for a few hours (and causing a few flash floods on nearby camping resorts), Rain got so worked up that it stormed over the valley to Brill’s cottage. Sun didn’t like this intrusion. It was very rude of Rain (and besides, Sun has always considered Rain to be a bit of a ‘wet blanket’). So Sun shouted at the top of its voice, telling Rain to “PISS OFF YA DRIP!”

Rain responded by kicking Sun in the solar plexus – whereby Sun let out a tremendous cry (and accidentally frazzled an innocent Rimu trying its best to hide under some neighboring macrocarpas). The battle continued for several hours until both Rain and Sun were exhausted and stopped to regain their breath. Meanwhile, below Sodit and Brill were brave enough to venture out of their homes, and they both looked up with amazement. For there, under Rain and Sun, lay a superb archway of a million dazzling colors.

Sodit climbed the valley towards the East – Brill climbed towards the West – and in the middle, under the archway, they met for the first time. Sodit, for once in his life, felt different. Little butterflies fluttered about in his tummy. But he wasn’t concerned about the butterflies because before him stood the most wonderful woman he’d ever set eyes on.

He opened his mouth, and for the first time said something positive. “You’re absolutely brill!” he exclaimed. Brill looked at him scathingly. He was a sorry, slimy-looking, little man. She felt like she’d never felt before and cried unhappily, “Sod it! Your Rain has put out my Sun!!”

Sodit just stared at her. A big goofy grin hung off his face. Brill stared back, noticing that this man had a big goofy grin hanging off his face, and hated him for it.

Meanwhile, a couple of kilometers above, Sun and Rain looked down upon the two human figures and were dumbfounded. “Now look what you’ve done,” Sun told Rain. “You’ve gone and made Brill all unhappy.” Being the emotional type, Rain began to cry (which caused floods in coastal areas, and the next day half the MetService staff got the sack). Sun began to wonder if it was a bit harsh to blame it ALL on Rain and looked carefully at Rain, for the very first time.

It was then that Sun noticed that Rain was actually quite sexy. Sun saw that Rain had long flowing strands of silver hair, moist lips, and eyes that glittered in the light. Sun couldn’t resist reaching over and giving Rain a big warm reassuring kiss, right on the nose. Rain was taken by surprise. Heatwaves enveloped the countryside, and humidity in metropolitan areas rose to 142 percent. “Wow!” Rain exclaimed to Sun. “You REALLY turn me on!” And they agreed to live together.

They travel the world constantly to this very day. Yet they don’t spend ALL their time together and occasionally wander off individually to their favorite spots (Sun likes to hang out in Africa – Rain prefers Brazil). But when they get together, cripes do they make a mess – and it’s a sure sign that they’ve had a satisfying time when you see the archway of a million colors left in their wake.

So what happened to Sodit and Brill? Well, after getting sacked by the MetService, Sodit became a milk vendor and occasionally goes to heavy metal concerts. Brill works at Watties, putting labels on canned whole peeled tomatoes, and has built a brothel over her hot pool. Called “BRILL’S SAUNA,” their specialty is full body massage with fruit pulp (although they leave in the bloody damned pips which irritate your skin).


The moral of this story is to set your alarm clock nine minutes early.